Hardship Builds Strength (But Only If We Let It)

This article was written by Allison Schoonmaker and published by Crossroads Professional Coaching.

It seems like small business owners went from navigating Covid to rising interest rates, which created higher costs/inflation and a downturn in the real estate market. 

Are we done yet?  Apparently not. 

The recent explosion of tariffs threatens costs and the supply chain once again while our savings are riding the stock market rollercoaster.

Small business owners may want to skip this ride, but that doesn’t appear to be an option.  At least not in the short run.  So what else can we do?

At a minimum, we can quit underestimating our resilience and capacity.  And for those with the entrepreneurial DNA that says pivot whenever the ups and downs ahead get too steep, we can proactively build up our capacity and ability to withstand hardships with signature strength.

My counseling partner, Allison Schoonmaker, wrote this really relevant post on our counseling blog about resiliency and capacity. I believe it is just as important for our small business clients and readers to receive it. So, this week, we are sharing our counseling blog with all of our coaching followers.

I think you will enjoy Allison’s insights into why we feel less resilient and her reminder that we are stronger than we think. Just like any good self-help blog post, she doesn’t disappoint with great action items to strengthen our capacity and resilience.  This is right up the entrepreneurial alley. Let’s attack the action steps that will help us navigate the storms easier each time.

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Reclaiming Emotional Strength In a World That’s Always Spinning by Allison Schoonmaker

We live in a crazy, turbulent time in history. 

The dream of getting away from “unprecedented times” feels like a cruel mirage. 

God never promised easy. He just promised He would be with us.

Regardless, I can’t be the only one who’s been wondering lately:

• Where did my capacity to handle hard things go?
• Why does the mere suggestion of a hard time activate my anxiety—sometimes to the point of panic?
• And maybe most importantly: can I get my capacity and resiliency back?

What Is It? Who Has It? How Did They Get It? And Can They Share?

I could barely even stomach watching the video. Barrel rolls and 2-G inversions in a two-person bomber?? No thanks! I’ll keep my lunch where God intended.

On Instagram, I saw a reel about how a few fighter pilots from World War II had the chance to go back up into the air in their fighter planes. Getting to the aircraft, the men and women looked like what you’d imagine for people of their age. But as soon as they got settled, they immediately looked much younger and more vibrant. 

It was really something incredible!

It’s like something long forgotten came back alive in them!

Next, the reel showed average people experiencing the same maneuvers mid-air—and all of them passed out. Their nervous systems couldn’t handle it.

Let me be clear: that would absolutely be me. I’d be unconscious before we hit the first roll.
Here’s the video if you haven’t seen it.

“They Don’t Make Them Like They Used To”… Or Do They?

At first, I had the thought I’m sure most people had, which is: “they don’t make them like they used to!”

But then I got to thinking:
Why not?
Why don’t we have the same capacity and resiliency as our elders?

Modern Hardships Are Still Hard

My grandfather served in the Navy in World War II. He was born during the Depression when his family already didn’t have enough food or money to go around. Suffice it to say, as a man who lived into his mid 90s, he had seen some things.

But I’ve seen some things, too!
I grew up untethered in the 80s, for crying out loud.
I moved ten hours away from home at 22 to start a new chapter.
I’ve lost everything I owned—twice—in natural disasters.
I had an unmedicated childbirth of a big-headed baby!

My timeline includes:

• Desert Storm
• Y2K
• Britney Spears shaving her head
• The 2008 recession
• A global pandemic
• …and whatever the heck this moment in history is

No, I haven’t stared down Nazis from a fighter plane—but I’ve done some hard things.
So why don’t I feel tougher?

Where did my capacity to handle hard things go?

When did I stop being resilient and trusting my ability to overcome life’s inevitable obstacles?

Why does even the idea of future struggle send me spiraling—before anything has even happened?

And most importantly… Can I get my capacity and resiliency back?

You’re Stronger Than You Think

When I think back over the course of my life, it seems true that I am stronger than I sometimes feel. I’d bet that you are, too. But the problem seems to be that we forget and then quit believing how strong we are when we don’t take the opportunities to exercise the muscles of capacity and resilience.

Let’s break it down.

What Is Capacity?

Emotional capacity is the ability to handle what comes to you.

What Is Resiliency?

Resiliency is the ability to return to baseline after you walk through a hard circumstance or event.

Can We Grow in Our Ability to Handle Difficult Situations?

Humans are remarkable creatures, and I believe we can grow in anything we truly want to change. So yes—we can grow in our ability to handle hard things. And we can grow in our perception of what we’re actually handling, just because it feels hard. The hard things can be appropriately reduced to their proper size in light of all that is true about God, us, and the world.

But how?

Hardship Builds Strength (But Only If We Let It)

We are all wired differently. Two people can experience the same hardship.
One can get through it, persevere, and experience growth from it. (This is actually called “post-traumatic growth.”)
Another can collapse under the same circumstance and have an impossibly hard time metabolizing the incident.

An example I’ve experienced is losing all our possessions in the 2016 flood. It was a traumatic stress event for us. At the time, it seemed impossible that we would ever recover: how could the house ever be livable again after 5 feet of standing water for days? How could we pay to replace everything from computers to couches to cars? Would we ever come back from this? 

I have this distinct memory of standing in our two-year-old son’s devastated bedroom and crying to my father-in-law, saying, “How on earth are we going to fix this?” And he said something that has stuck with me ever since:

“If man can build it, man can fix it.“

This was the moment where the spark of resiliency came back to me. If a human built our house the first time, humans can build it a second time. It’s all fixable.

The first time I saw my mom (who also lost everything) after the flood, I remember saying to her, “I guess this is the hardest thing you’ve ever been through, too?” 

Her reply? “Well…one of them.”

I just remember thinking, “What?! What a badass! I need to BUCK. UP.”

I didn’t even ask what else was worse! I didn’t think I could handle knowing!

We know many people who suffered the same circumstance—and all accepted and handled it differently.

Almost nine years later, I still don’t look back on that season with fond memories. But what I remember is how supported and cared for we were by friends, family and total strangers. It was incredibly hard. At no point did I ever think at the time, “this is great! It will make me stronger.”
But we got through to the other side. And it became another thing on the list of hardships that God brought us through.

That experience reminded me:
I am resilient.
I am not alone.
God has worked in our lives to put the right people in it—and He’s worked on my heart to accept their love and support.

My capacity to handle hard new things grew through the redemption of this very hard thing. 

The Downside of an Easy Life

There’s a saying that effectively captures where we are as a culture when it comes to hardship and struggle:

“Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. And, weak men create hard times.”
– G. Michael Hopf in Those Who Remain

Think about someone you know who’s experienced very little hardship.
They haven’t had to dip into their reserves often—so they haven’t developed that character muscle.

Now think of someone who’s endured more than their fair share of trouble.
With God’s strength, they often handle bigger obstacles in stride because they see them in proper perspective. They have the lived experience of overcoming hard things. That builds confidence in their ability to do it again.

When we avoid pain, discomfort, and struggle, we fail to build the track record that says:
This too shall pass, and I will be okay. 

So Should We Seek Out Hardship?

If it takes a hard thing to grow in our ability to handle hardship, should we seek out trials? 

Not necessarily in painful or harmful ways.
But it might mean staying present and not avoiding difficult situations out of fear or panic.

You could start by not procrastinating things! Leaning into low level frustrations and discomfort will develop the muscle memory for an overcoming mindset.

Plus, if we seek out healthy struggle or temporary discomfort, our brains reward us with positivity.

(That’s part of the reason people are hot for cold plunges right now.)

Hard things are coming our way whether we seek them out or not. What we can do it embrace smaller challenges with enthusiasm to grow our capacity to handle bigger hardships when they arrive at our doorstep. 

How to Rebuild Your Emotional Capacity

1. REFLECT ON PAST HARDSHIPS

Ask yourself: 

• How do I feel about how I show up?
• How did that situation impact me?
• What strengths did I discover?
• What would I do differently next time?

This transforms the narrative from “I endured it” to “I overcame it—and I’m stronger for it.”

2. UNDERSTANDING YOUR WINDOW OF TOLERANCE

We all have something called a window of tolerance—it’s the range of discomfort we can handle without completely falling apart.

Your window doesn’t have to be massive, but it needs to be more than a sliver.

Put another way, between our comfort zone and a panic attack is where we can grow. That’s the sweet spot that we can stretch into that expands our window of tolerance instead of allowing our desire for comfort to shrink it.

3. REDEFINE YOUR GOAL

When it comes to stress and discomfort, what’s really the goal?

With the cultural focus on mindfulness and “finding your peace,” it can seem like the goal is to avoid stressful situations and people altogether.

But this leads to a shrinking of your capacity—and ultimately, an atrophy of your resilience.

Let it not be us!

4. LEAN IN!

Rather than shrink back and get destroyed (Hebrews 10:39), LEAN into discomfort, knowing there’s a greater purpose in this temporary displeasure.

5. REMEMBER HOPE

In his letter to the christians in Rome, the Apostle Paul lays out some really awesome things that come with hardship. There’s something pretty comforting to know this this mental and physical battle of wrestling with capacity and resilience has been going on for thousands of years, and there’s a greater purpose available to us if we lay hold of it.

“We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
– Romans 5:3-5

Practical Next Steps

DISTRESS TOLERANCE SKILL: THE ICE CUBE EXERCISE

Pick a hard thing and do it.
Do it poorly.
Do it scared.
Just do it.

Quit avoiding or procrastinating.

Right now, go get an ice cube. I’ll wait.

Okay—here’s the weird part: hold it in your hand until it melts.

It’s not pleasant yet it’s not going to harm you in any way.

But it will quickly highlight your default self-talk patterns when things get uncomfortable.

What did you notice?
Did you start making excuses?
Did you hate on the idea because it’s so dumb? (That’s your defensiveness.)
Did you look for shortcuts?
How LOUD was your self-talk?

It’s good to take note of these elements of your self-talk when the stakes are low so you’ll have a better understanding of what it will sound like when something big is on the line.

Plus, that exercise might have just been the first wiring in what will someday become a neurological superhighway of your capacity to overcome hard things!

CBT Principles for Building Capacity and Resiliency

In my work, I primarily use two therapeutic modalities: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and EMDR. (You can read more about those here if you’re interested!) They sound clinical, but they’re not that complicated in reality.

Within the CBT framework, there’s a list of 12–15 common types of unhelpful thoughts that lead to a negative shift in mood and perception. I help clients gain mastery of these—and I apply them to myself, too.

In the spirit of “physician, heal thyself,” here are two dysfunctional thought patterns I fall into when my own resilience is low:

1. CATASTROPHIZING

When hardship knocks, I go straight to worst-case scenarios.

Example: “My stocks are tanking. I’ll never be able to retire!”

2. MAKING FEELINGS FACTS

When I’m low on resiliency, I interpret uncomfortable feelings as facts.

“I feel uneasy,” becomes “something bad is going to happen.”

REFRAMING THESE THOUGHTS

When I engage in either of these negative thought patterns, I remind myself:

“The worst is probably not going to happen. And even if it does, I will have more information at that point to be able to figure it out. I don’t have all the information yet because I don’t need it right now. The worst might never happen at all but even if it does, I’ve figured out hard things before.”

“Just because I’m having these feelings of nervousness doesn’t mean something bad is about to happen. Feelings aren’t fortune tellers! I can experience this feeling without it overtaking me. Feelings are like waves. I can ride this out, and it will dissipate.”

Reclaim Your Grit—One Choice at a Time

You don’t need to fly a bomber or live through a war to build strength.
You just need to show up—again and again—in the face of what’s hard.

Choose the discomfort that grows you.
Stretch your window of tolerance.
Let each challenge remind you: you are capable—and becoming more so every day.

Resilience isn’t something you’re born with.
It’s something you practice. (And maybe even earn.)

As I age and gain experience, I’m learning to recognize that I’m stronger than I think.
I’ve overcome before—and I will again.

And thankfully, that gives me the confidence to help show you how to do it too.