The Messenger or The Message: Which Do You Control?
This article was written by Jim Miley and published by Crossroads Professional Coaching.
In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey lists Habit 1 as “Being Proactive” by focusing on things within your control.
Covey’s underlying premise is that we want to be “Effective People.” If you don’t want to be an effective person, I guess you can pretty much do whatever you want, so this post or Stephen Covey are not for you. But for those of us who aspire to being effective and positive contributors to the world around us, the principle of focusing on things within your control is critical.
It’s in the spirit of Covey’s Habit 1 that I ask whether you control the messenger or what you do with the message. If we are focused upon the content of the message, it leads us to a given response under our control. If we focus on the messenger, we are channeling our energy toward something we don’t readily control and arguably shouldn’t try to control.
A Case Study in Messaging
I have been blessed with a litter of grandchildren; six in total now. Watching kids interact with the world is so full of lessons for us as adults. Some lessons are hard, fraught with tears and pain; others bring rewards and joy.
Hampton, nearing age 2, does not readily accept adult suggestions. His face and clothing often reveal the scars of battle. Bruises, bumps, stains, and tears; Hampton’s gottem and he doesn’t care. He needs to collect the television remotes and put them in the toilet immediately, and any words or warning or correction from nearby adults are typically met with the 2-year-old version of evasive maneuvers.
Hampton’s older brother, Bridger, loves having a smaller and less agile adversary in combat. It’s funny and terrifying at the same time to watch Bridger deliver a flying pancake from the top rope of the ring, which doubles as the arm of a chair, pinning his younger sibling to the mat on the playroom floor. Repeated calls from adults to de-escalate the intensity of the combat are somehow lost in the fog of battle. It’s like trying to break up a dog fight.
There is no non-combatant outside authority qualified to stop hostilities with a simple direct message. “Boys, calm down… be careful… stop jumping… get off the furniture… let’s read a book…”. They just won’t listen to anyone trying to stop them from having this much fun. Anyone watching Hampton and Bridger roughhouse can see what’s coming. The cries of an injured combatant or the dreaded penalty box of time out; one of the two. Classical conditioning proves over and over that we often just won’t accept a message until the consequences are upon us. Maybe if Mom or Dad’s instructions were delivered with a more respectful and gentle tone? Uh, nope.
I think to myself, thank God we grow up and out of those childhood behaviors.
Do I Act Childish?
The next week at work I had a light bulb moment. Am I like Bridger and Hampton? Do adults reject messages they simply don’t want to hear? Waiting for the consequences to be upon us rather than heed sound advice? What’s wrong with wanting to be the master of my domain?
Is it wrong for people to disregard messages from people whom they simply don’t want to hear? Hmmmm…
Why do kids so often refuse sound advice? Simple, they want what they want, and they want it now. The grown-ups just want to steal their joy; the joy of dropping a TV remote in the toilet or the joy of a devastating wrestling move on my little brother, and they don’t want to consider alternative versions of joy. The adult messenger threatens their joy, so it must be disregarded. It’s a crazy, bold demonstration of a lack of humility.
What Is Joy?
To the toddler, joy is whatever they want in the moment; it’s complete self-centered autonomy. As a toddler, they need adults to facilitate getting what they want, but the adults should not interfere with the toddler’s mission. Even if the toddler’s mission is headed for catastrophic outcomes, the toddler still expects and desires the adult to support without interference.
As adults, we are tempted to cling to many of the same basic patterns learned as kids; “I find joy in being the master of my domain, and nobody should try to take that from me.” The world should operate the way that suits me, and I am prone to resist advice to the contrary.
The desire to disregard messages from sources trying to steal my autonomy is a childish trait.
You see it all around you in social media influencers, movie stars, pop culture evangelists, self-help authors, pro athletes and rock stars; adults shouting the theme of nobody tells me what to do. It’s not a new message, but there are platforms now amplifying the voices of kids who never wanted to listen to their parents, and now we’re all gonna hear about it.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds”
– James 1:2
Those of us who want to be effective people, strong business leaders, mature in our faith, and good stewards of relationships should find joy in those things. We grow out of finding joy in just getting our way.
We Control the Message
We control the message, not the messenger. We control the message because we are in complete control of how we receive it, how we process it, and how we respond to it.
Recognizing our relationship to messengers and messages is a critical part of professional maturity. I’d be lying if I denied rejecting wise counsel offered to me because I did not like the message. What does rejection of wise counsel sound like? A few favorite examples:
- “Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?”
- “You don’t do what you’re telling me to do.”
- “I don’t like your tone.”
- “You’re so critical.”
And though I put these few examples in quotation marks, most of the time, the rebuttal is only spoken in my head. Bridger and Hampton don’t bother with a rebuttal to being asked to stop jumping off the coffee table; they just disregard the message completely.
I believe we can all fall prey to disregarding messages we’d rather not hear, and blaming it on the messenger makes for such an easy scapegoat.
“For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions.”
– 2 Tim 4:3
I want the message. I don’t always like the message but I still want it and will consider its’ value and how I should respond to it in a thoughtful way. I’m better off and a more effective person by avoiding too fine a filter on what I’m willing to hear from the people around me.
If I screen out too many messages by worrying over the messenger, it’s only a matter of time before I miss important information simply because I’m seeking to control things outside of my control. I know I need to hear things that I would rather not hear.
“For everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.”
– Heb 5:13-14
Hebrews 5 speaks directly to the point of this post. Often, the things I don’t want to hear have enough truth in them that I not only need to hear them, but I also need to respond in a humble and mature way.
Don’t waste your energy on trying to control the messengers in your life. Focus your attention on the messages and practice discerning the things of value, like it or not.